Coming soon to Lakewood: Clifton Closets


This week there has been a major breakthrough regarding the housing crisis in Lakewood, NJ. A few days ago, an excess of space was reported in the alleyway between French cleaners and Gelbstein’s bakery. Each car was able to exit the alleyway in only seven maneuvers, with very minimal beeping and screaming, a clear sign of extra space.

Almost immediately, a blueprint was drawn up of a new development called Clifton Closets to be built on this newfound plot of land. It will be a little on the smaller side but you could not ask for a more central location. Due to the homier dimensions, the contractor is looking for potential dwellers of similar measurements or people who don’t need to stretch or move around that much.

If all goes well, we will be able to commence phase 2: houses with basements. These structures, built with a lower level/shelf, will be called Cozy at Clifton, and because the contractor couldn’t resist he even named the basements with the adorable, apropos name-Clifton Cabinets.

Lakewood Named “Home Of The Race Car Drivers” recent years, driving in Lakewood has been described as “singular,”  “unique,” and “not for the faint of heart,” yet one state official views it as a major opportunity.  Senator Ricky Jones, former NASCAR champion says in his whole career he has never witnessed such potential in drivers, until he visited Lakewood. ”Lakewood drivers” he announced, “possess all the right qualities of a good race car driver.” He illustrated his point using the “Good Race Car Driver” power point, as follows.

A good race car driver is judged by……

1) An ability to overcome all natural instinct to stop.

2) The Skill to maintain the same speed in all weather conditions, be it rain, ice, snow, hail, thunderstorm, or twister.

3) A certain maturity to make an independent decision that has not necessarily ever been made by anyone belonging to the human race.

4) The talent to multi-task, sometimes being able to use only one hand or two fingers on the wheel. (This agility can execute a wider or faster turn.)

5) Having extremely good reflexes. (I.e. going when it’s green, regardless of what’s going on around them or what’s in front of them.)

6)  Keeping a strong focus on their destination, despite loud, siren-like noises nearby that may or may not be connected to something they just did.

Ricky is funding, in his own words “The greatest race in all of history”, to be held in Lakewood in a few weeks. Two Lakewood residents will be chosen as contestants.